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 FOOTBALL SEX SECRET BIG BROTHER SCANDAL MILK SANDWICH  BELLIGERENT GHOUL LOCKED UPAlfred Utterthwaite-Goering, a retired Manchester headmaster, is behind bars today after being arrested on child-cruelty charges made against him by an ex-pupil, a man now aged 43. BRUISES BIGGER THAN DINNER PLATES The ex-pupil, who wishes to be known only as M, claims that Utterthwaite-Goering THWACKED him on the knees, KNEED him in the groin and ELBOWED him in the face, leaving bruises bigger than DINNER PLATES. "Belligerent ghouls run Manchester schools," says M, clearly upset at the memory, "Spineless bastards all. And of course in those days there was very little I could do about it. Young people today with their Childline and their Esther Rantzen don't know how lucky they are." GUITAR BAND M decided that the only way to blow the whistle on this abuse was to form one of the most successful and influential guitar based British indie bands of the nineteen eighties, make his allegations in the form of the opening track on his best selling 1985 LP, Meat is Murder and wait for one of his fans to get a job with Manchester Social Services. MILITARY TWO-STEP However, a spokesman for Utterthwaite-Goering is convinced that M is lying, "Think about it," says Ivor Bland, "M claims that Mr Utterthwaite-Goering kicked him in the showers, grabbed and DEVOURED him. It's quite ridiculous to imagine that such a well-respected member of the Manchester community would behave in such a way." "It's all true," insists M, visibly shaken, "And not only that, he also did the military two-step down the nape of my neck." CD  It is expected that Utterthwaite-Goering, 92, will come to trial in the autumn. Speaking on M's behalf, Mr Steve Jax of Rockuccino Management says "We can only hope that a successful conviction will bring M some closure. Incidentally, there's a new Best of the Smiths compilation out on CD at the moment."  
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